The Crack Podcast

The official website of The Crack Podcast, the podcast about anything and everything.

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About

'The Crack Podcast' is a Scottish based podcast, asking you, what's the craic?Regular episodes aren't subject specific, but occasionally, a special episode will get uploaded.Feel free to get in touch.Hosted by LewisLogo by Co-ThràthTheme Tune by Blackmill

Equipment Used

Marantz Professional MPM-1000 - Studio Recording Condenser XLR MicrophoneBehringer XENYX 802 Premium 8-Input 2-Bus MixerHAVEA Adjustable Mic Suspension Boom Arm - with Shock MountAudacity Audio Editing SoftwareLENOVO IdeaPad Slim 1i 11.6" Laptop - Intel® Celeron™, 64 GB eMMC

Episode List

2025

2024

2023

2022

2021

2020

Film Thoughts

These are listed in alphabetical order - click the links below to see more.

• B
• C
• D
• G
• I

• J
• L
• O
• S
• z

B

Blood Simple

FILM: Blood SimpleDIRECTOR: The Coen BrothersYEAR: 1982WATCHED ON: 4odDATE WATCHED: 12-Jan-2024FIRST VIEWING: YesSPOILERS AHEAD: YesThe Coen Brothers are pretty darn well known in todays movie-going circles. Incredibly well known. Very highly regarded. Everyone has a film of theirs that’s in their favourites (for me, The Big Lebowski) because they have so many and they span different genres.True Grit, No Country For Old Men, Fargo, Hail Caesar, Millers Crossing, Burn After Reading, Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?And many, many more.Blood Simple is their first.This was my first viewing, and I enjoyed it. I love a noir. I love a Neo-noir. I love a Coens. This film was right up my street, and I had a good time.It’s not a cheerful film. It doesn’t come across as a debut by any means though. The plot is dark and gritty, and its certainly been made to visualise that.The film starts off with a married lady (Francis McDormand - in her first film role!) having an affair with a young, bar tending dude (John Getz - the guy who in The Fly gets his hand and foot melted off at the end). The phone rings in the morning as they’re lying in the motel bed, and a mans voice lets them know that he knows they’re there. Its her husband. He’s hired a private detective following the wife. All very noir. Things escalate from there.Murder and confusion. Hiding a body.Its a thrilling film, and its an excellent experience to see the film makers right at the start of their careers. Highly recommended.

Bonnie and Clyde

FILM: Bonnie and ClydeDIRECTOR: Arthur PennYEAR: 1967WATCHED ON: BBC iPlayerDATE WATCHED: 02-Jan-2024FIRST VIEWING: YesSPOILERS AHEAD: YesThis is the first film I’ve watched of 2024, and I can happily say that the year is off to good film viewing.Having been familiar prior to viewing with the story of Bonnie and Clyde thanks to true crime books, TV documentaries, and a couple of podcasts, nothing in the film (plot wise) came as a shock.Bonnie and Clyde were two young lovers who robbed banks in the Depression-Era America. They also killed anybody who stood in their way. Dangerous and unpredictable, they became famous through the newspapers and were gunned down in Louisiana.This film told their story in a very condensed manner. A lot of fluff, robberies, relationships, and sociopathy (to keep them sympathetic towards the audience) got left out. But it’s important to remember that films based on historical characters aren’t documentaries.Warren Beatty plays Clyde. Cool, suave, confident. He was also the producer of the picture so it can be easy to assume how he managed to get the main role in the film(!), and, despite my snideness, he does play the part well. Insecurities, and a humane side play into the cocky character.Faye Dunaway plays Bonnie. This film came out before Chinatown which was just shy of, I want to say, 10 year later. So I’m imagining that this was her big break, but I could be very wrong about that. I think her performance of the two titular characters is the strongest in this picture.A couple of names I was happily surprised to see appear on the opening credits were Gene Hackman - who it was strange to see so young, even though he somehow always has looked old. And Gene Wilder. All the genes. It was like a Levi’s store. Gene Wilder must have been in his first or second role in this film, and I can’t think of another film I’ve seen him acting so seriously in. He was excellent.Sometimes in the film when they’re speeding away in their 1920’s/30’s rectangular cars, a banjo piece plays on the soundtrack. Foggy Mountain Breakdown. You can see it you YouTube. There’s no shortage of videos of it, and Steve Martin appears in quite a few. Its a fun tune.Lastly, I’m going to mention the violence. The film came out in 1967 at at time when Spaghetti Westerns were probably the most violent movies on the go, if you think of violence as blood splatters. The Universal Monsters and Hammer Horror movies don’t even have blood like this film does.3 instances in the movie stand out to me. The first is when a bank clerk - or maybe he’s a deputy - , following a bank robbery jumps onto the side of the getaway car and has a revolver fired through the window and straight between his eyes. The glass sprays with his blood.The second, and almost accurate to what I understand, was when Gene Hackmans character is shot in the head. The brain splatter and flood of blood was unexpected.The third, and most famous for the film, is the ending. It’s no secret that Bonnie and Clyde didn’t get out of it alive. Life - no one makes it out alive. But this film doesn’t just have them shot. They get blown to bits. And it is all shown on screen.It was a wonderful film, and if it wasn’t for a cast that I recognise for being older now, there’s nothing that necessarily ages it 57 years. Oddly modern.

C

Cloverfield

FILM: CloverfieldDIRECTOR: Matt ReevesYEAR: 2008WATCHED ON: TVDATE WATCHED: 12-Feb-2024FIRST VIEWING: NoSPOILERS AHEAD: YesI remember when Cloverfield came out that it was quite a big deal. Off the top of my head, I can’t remember if it came out before Paranormal Activity (I could just search for that information on the internet but that isn’t my style. These are free flowing thoughts about films!), but it certainly came out after The Blair Witch Project, and way after Cannibal Holocaust. My point being that found film footage style movies weren’t anything new.. just maybe a little bit forgotten.This was my first time watching it since I watched the DVD of it back in 2008 or 2009, and I think I realised why I’d never gone back to give it another watch.Even when its sequels appeared (‘sequels’), I was never tempted to revisit it because honestly, it was a bit boring. Not poorly made or acted in by any means. I just never found myself engrossed in the film. Whether or not that’s because of the found footage style, maybe. It could be because it’s a bit of a numb story. They’re at a party in NYC when a giant monster appears, and then they have to get away. And they have to try to avoid danger. And its all filmed on their little camcorder so it shakes like mad.They go from street to subway, to hospital, to street, to building, to outside to - MONSTER ! - helicopter. And it ends.There was a sequel that had nothing to do with this film, and a sequel to that one that also had nothing to do with this film. Or the first sequel.It doesn’t demand a viewing. If I remember correctly, a lot of the excitement when it came out was because J.J. Abrams (the producer) had involvement with this movie and Lost (the tv show), so it was rumoured that the monster came from the island in the show.There are other better found footage movies out there, and there are other better monster movies out there.Not necessarily a bad movie, by any means. But not a great movie.

D

Dog Soldiers

FILM: Dog SoldiersDIRECTOR: Neil MarshallYEAR: 2002WATCHED ON: DVDDATE WATCHED: 22-March-2024FIRST VIEWING: NoSPOILERS AHEAD:When this film came out it made quite the impact on my friends and I. 2002, I was 8 years old. A friend at school got it on video, and we watched it at sleepovers and took turns borrowing it. At that age it was scary - but watching it today, its a comedy. Very strange.Set in the Scottish Highlands, Dog Soldiers is a film about a small group of British soldiers who are on a training exercise in a very remote part of the woods, but they soon discover that they’re being hunted by an unexpected enemy; werewolves. It is silly, but switch your rational thought off and you’ll enjoy the film. Better yet, put yourself in the shoes of an 8 year old boy who lives in the Scottish Highlands and spends most of his time in the woods. You’ll love it.Kevin McKidd stars as Cooper, one of the soldiers and he’s getting to use his native accent. Truthfully, the reason I put the DVD on was because my girlfriend had been watching so much Grey’s Anatomy, and I found his accent jarring.Sean Pertwee plays the officer to the wee squad, and Liam Cunningham plays the closest thing to a villain (other than the supernatural monsters). But that isn’t a spoiler. His character shoots a dog in the first 5 minutes. It’s no secret that he’s a bad guy.The majority of the film takes place in a claustrophobic setting of a rural farmhouse. The soldiers fight off the attacking werewolves in an almost siege type attack.If you’re a werewolf movie fan who loves a transformation, this isn’t the werewolf movie for you. The creatures themselves are pretty well done. Genuinely scary in appearance, but theres no transformation scene.An under-appreciated low budget werewolf movie. It’s worth a watch. Just don’t think too hard. Take it for what it is.

G

Ghostbusters

FILM: GhostbustersDIRECTOR: Ivan ReitmanYEAR: 1984WATCHED ON: BBC iPlayerDATE WATCHED: 21-April-2024FIRST VIEWING: NoSPOILERS AHEAD: NoThis is a film I have seen many times. Too many to possible count. Over 20 times, probably. Easily. I don’t even know where to start. With my own personal memories of it? Or is that too much. Ill briefly talk about myself, and then the film.
This was one of the first films I bought myself on DVD. That would have been around 2004, and I was in Glasgow. It had been my birthday not too distantly and I had some cash. We were in HMV and I bought this and The Sixth Sense. Two ghost films but very different in tone.Buying the DVD was my first time actually seeing the movie. Some how I have completely avoided seeing the film for the first ten years of my life. That didn’t mean I was unaware of it. My parents had got me Ghostbusters 2 on video when I was very little - about 4 or 5 years old. And I had watched that repeatedly. I’ve seen that one more than this one. I also had videos from ‘Cinema Club’. Which was some kind of cinema based club, but I wasn’t in it. It was just a coincidence that these videos were released under that company. I think it was videos from the Co-op store in the town I lived in. My Ghostbusters 2, The Addams Family, and Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey videos, there were all Cinema Club. And I watched those videos often. Before the film began there was an advert for Cinema Club and it showed little clips from Platoon, A League of Their Own, maybe some others that I cant remember, but then there was extended trailers for other films. Ghostbusters was one of those. It had a few clips from the film, and I can remember it now as I write this. Sigourney Weaver taking her handbag off and lifting her head up to look at the tv in her apartment was one of the clips. And the moment they walk into the hotel lobby, Bill Murray says, ‘Hey, has anyone seen a ghost?’. Funny how theres these little things just camping in our memories.The movie itself. I love it. I’m just going to type and see what comes out so here we go.The film starts in the New York public library and some poor old lady staff member gets her socks scared off by a ghost. The nearby university is called to go and check it out, so the parapsychology department goes along to do just that. Theres Dr Egon Spengler, Dr Ray Stantz, and Dr Peter Venkman. They go along and actually see the ghost - which is the first time they’ve ever seen one for real. When they get back to the uni, though, they discover that the funding for their paranormal investigates has been cut completely and that they are now out of a job.With proof that ghosts exist they go into business as the Ghostbusters.The plot is on Wikipedia and probably a thousand YouTube videos. I wont give you a scene by scene breakdown of it… but I probably could… from memory. Lets not go there.If you haven’t seen this film; I implore you to. Please do. It is one of my favourites. The special effects aren’t 100% at every point - but its 40 years old this year! Its a fun film. It’s not overly childish. Theres jokes, but tension. Its not action packed but its not childishly simple. As painful as it is to say: It is a product of its time. I don't mean there’s cocaine in it (behind the scenes, who knows?) But there smoking… a little bit of sexual harassment at times thats played for laughs… there’s Reagan-era ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps attitude’, but it all comes together so well.An absolute gem of a film. If you haven’t seen it, please watch it. If you have seen it, please watch it again!

Ghostbusters II

FILM: Ghostbusters IIDIRECTOR: Ivan ReitmanYEAR: 1989WATCHED ON: BBC iPlayerDATE WATCHED: 22-April-2024FIRST VIEWING: NoSPOILERS AHEAD: NoGhostbusters 2. I saw this before I saw Ghostbusters 1. I was about 4 years old and this one is firmly imprinted in my memory.The first film was a massive, huge, ginormous success and it got a little cartoon series based on it. Then demand ramped up and the studio basically forced (offered a lot of money to the) cast so this movie got made.Its a shame how when I read things about this film, or watch ‘making of’ type shows, the cast and crew talk about it with disdain. Script rewrites and trouble behind the camera are often mentioned. But I never picked up on that when I was little. I still don’t. I really like this film.Its set 5 years after the events of the first movie, and doesn’t begin with the Ghostbusters in the best light. They’ve lost their right to bust ghosts, and now make appearances at kids birthday parties. Actually, Egon has gone into private psychological research, and Venkman has become a television host for a show about psychics. But a supernatural evil makes itself known and… no surprise, they have to all come back together to band together (and defeat it).The new cast member to this film is the guy who plays the dad in the Mr Bean movie, and one of the summer camp counsellors in The Addams Family Values, Peter MacNicol. He plays Sigourney Weavers characters boss, and its a fun role. He has quite a large part in the overall plot, so I wont give too much away.If for any reason you’re putting off seeing Ghostbusters II due to the negative reputation that it has, you’re not doing yourself any favours. Its a great film, and a wonderful followup to the first one.

I

In Bruges

FILM: In BrugesDIRECTOR: Martin McDonaghYEAR: 2008WATCHED ON: DVDDATE WATCHED: 15-Jan-2024FIRST VIEWING: NoSPOILERS AHEAD: YesWe put this film on because we were going to go to Bruges the next day. I’d seen it maybe… 4 times previously, but that didn’t take anyway any of the enjoyment.The plot of the darkly funny film, In Bruges, concerns two Irish hitmen (played by Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson) have a job go badly over in the UK and have to flee to Bruges so they can lie low for a while.After a conversation with their boss, Gleeson gets the order to kill Farrell. But isn’t sure if he can go through with it.I don’t want to say too much, as the film deserves to be watched. The director/writer has a theatre background, and the dialogue in the movie shows that. Its not an action packed, thrill ride. It’s a plot and character piece. It shows the city off, and despite Farrells character constantly taking jabs at it, it shows the beauty of the place too.It’s a fantastic film that deserves a watch. If you’re in the UK (it might work internationally, I’m not sure) 4oD shows it quite often, as I think it was a Film4 production.It’s not a long film, or a giant budget piece. Give it a watch if you have the chance - just be warned, its about two hitmen. There’s some violence.

J

Just Like Heaven

FILM: Just Like HeavenDIRECTOR: Mark WatersYEAR: 2005WATCHED ON: NetflixDATE WATCHED: 14-Feb-2024FIRST VIEWING: NoSPOILERS AHEAD: YesThis was a film that my little sister had on DVD. I borrowed it from her more than once to watch. I like it. Its probably classed as a chickflick because its an inoffensive romance film. No strong language, no violence, no sexy scenes. Its a nice film.Mark Ruffalo is the male star who moves into a nice flat in San Francisco. When I was younger I never actually looked at the set, but as an adult. A flat like that? That size? In San Fransisco with those views? That’s gonna set you back a few $$$. And he moves in on his own. Dude is obviously loaded. He plays a very depressed guy who just seems to sit and drink beer at nights. All seems fine but then he starts to see a ghost.Reese Witherspoon plays the female lead who works too much. That is how she is introduced. She’s a doctor who is close to burning out and then on the way to a date - which she is late for - she’s in a car crash. She plays the ghost. In a not so shocking reveal, it emerges that Mark Ruffalo is living in her flat.Theres not much to say about the plot. It’s pretty straight forward, Mark Ruffalo is the only person who can see Reese Witherspoon, and then it turns out she’s not actually dead, but is in a coma. But she’s still a ghost. Or at least having an out-of-body experience. And they fall in love.Not all too much else seems to happen. Mark Ruffalo investigates it a little bit and as one point visits a paranormal book store where Jon Heder (Napoleon Dynamite) has a small part in the film before he disappeared. That’s actually a bit nasty. I think he went into voice work or something. Producing maybe. I liked Napoleon Dynamite and Blades of Glory is excellent. I hope he’s okay.Yeah, Just Like Heaven. A supernatural love story thats wrapped up pretty solidly. It was made before Netflix was shitting out films like this every week, and it has a charm of its own. Its a lighthearted, harmless movie that fit of tone of sitting down to relax at night on Valentines Day.

J

The Lady Vanishes

FILM: The Lady VanishesDIRECTOR: Alfred HitchcockYEAR: 1938WATCHED ON: BBC iPlayerDATE WATCHED: 06-Jan-2024FIRST VIEWING: YesSPOILERS AHEAD: YesWithout writing anything that may shock, I’ll be honest and say that I like Alfred Hitchcock films. It’s not a case of ‘yeah, but you have to say that’, when it comes to liking films in general, but I genuinely do. I think Rear Window is in my top 10. Although depending on when you speak to me, my top 10 changes a lot. I had never seen this Alfred Hitchcock film before.It is a pretty straight forward plot, and the title does a good job of summing it up. There is a lady (so we are lead to believe) and she vanishes (or does she?).Charming is the word I thought of when I was watching it and thinking of how to describe it. Sadly, it is possibly condescending of me to call it charming as I imagine it was quite a suspenseful mystery when it was released, but due to its influence on cinema it’s now seen as charming.The film starts in a European mountain area (unspecified, I think) by moving through a miniature set (charming).The characters are introduced in a stage play-esque set up, and a street musician gets murdered by an unseen menace with large hands.Then it goes to a train which is clearly being rocked by stagehands (charming), and the backgrounds through the windows are all rear projections. As good as they could do at the time asides from actually filming on a moving train, but none the less, charming.I won’t spoil it, as it is a lovely film that deserves a viewing. Very in character for a film from the era, the characters speak with distinct proper pronunciation, which all adds to the charm.Margaret Lockwood plays Iris, the character who suspects a lady may be missing. The potentially missing lady (slight spoiler, there is a missing lady) is played by Dame May Whitty (she was one of the three people who started the UK actors union, Equity), and the male her is played by Michael Redgrave (Vanessa Redgrave father!)Overall, some people are put off by older films, but I would urge you to watch this one. Its fun, and fast paced (after the hotel scenes), and its amazing to see how far Alfred Hitchcock would go. This is a master filmmaker at work before he went to America !

O

On The Waterfront

FILM: On The WaterfrontDIRECTOR: Elia KazanYEAR: 1954WATCHED ON: BBC iPlayerDATE WATCHED: 11-April-2024FIRST VIEWING: YesSPOILERS AHEAD: NoMuch like the first time I sat down to watch The Godfather, I mentally said to myself ‘Ok, go on, impress me.’ Please don’t think I’m obnoxious towards films. I’ll watch anything. Its just sometimes I’ll watch a film that I’ve never seen before, but know of it, and know quotes from it, and my expectation is that when I do watch it, it’s not going to possibly be as good as the hype has brought it up to be. On The Waterfront was one of those films too. I was engrossed with this film. It isn’t the most exciting of plots (the struggles of being working class on a shipyard with the control of ‘business men’ - gangsters- and trying to better oneself) but Marlon Brandon shines in it.Some people don’t like black and white films simply because they’re black and white, which I find to be an absurd reason for not watching a film, but each to their own. This film is in black and white, and it doesn’t need to be in colour, to be honest. The black and white gives is a harsher, earthier (if thats the word to use?) tone.This may be interpreted as me being nasty, and maybe it is, but I think some of the films strength comes from how ordinary the cast look. Its set in an area populated by ordinary working people, and its been cast with ordinary looking people. Granted, yes, there is one beauty in the picture - Eva Marie Saint - but in my defence, her character is meant to be a stand out beauty among the others there.When I do these tiny little write ups (hardly reviews, just my brief thoughts on a film) I try to avoid giving too much of the plot away, so I can only advise a person to seek this film out and watch it. It’s a harsh, black and white, grounded in reality, classic film that deserves to be seen. It only took me 30 years to getting round to it.

S

A Simple Plan

FILM: A Simple PlanDIRECTOR: Sam RaimiYEAR: 1998WATCHED ON: BBC iPlayerDATE WATCHED: 23-March-2024FIRST VIEWING: YesSPOILERS AHEAD: NoSomehow I’d got this far in life without ever seeing this film. I’d seen the video box before. I recognised the thumbnail on iPlayer certainly, but I’d never seen it on tv. I was looking for something to watch and saw that it was directed by Sam Raimi (Spider-Man, Evil Dead, and many others!), and it starred Bill Paxton, Billy Bob Thornton, and Bridget Fonda. Fantastic! Watching it brought me back to a feeling of renting videos with my mum when I was little. It could maybe be described as a cozy feeling?The plot was excellent, and the setting was right up my alley. A few guys in a rural area (Minnesota, I think) are poking around the woods, which is covered in a thick layer of snow, when they find a crashed plane. After having a look inside they find two things: a corpse and a bag full of cash. A lot of cash. After a discussion they agree to hold on to it for a length of time, and if no one comes looking for it (of course someone comes looking for it) they’ll divide it and keep it. But before that length of time comes up, the darker elements of human nature has kicked in. Theres paranoia, blackmail, threats, violence. Plenty of tension.Very much in the vein of Fargo, the film is a about greed and the corrupting power of money in a snow covered landscape. Theres dark comedy, but there’s also violence. It is not a cheerful film. I’ll probably watch it again, to be honest. Bill Paxton, sadly, rarely got the lead role, and he shines in this as an absolutely believable tired accountant (ha-ha!).Highly recommended. Its currently on iPlayer as of the 12th April 2024.

Z

Zodiac

FILM: ZodiacDIRECTOR: David FincherYEAR: 2007WATCHED ON: Amazon PrimeDATE WATCHED: 07-Feb-2024FIRST VIEWING: NoSPOILERS AHEAD: YesZodiac was directed by David Fincher, and released in 2007. I never saw it in the cinema, and that is something I regret. This must have been my 6th or 7th viewing of the film. Good lord, its a good one.The Zodiac killings aren’t invented for this film - they actually happened. In the 1960’s / 1970’s in California, there was actually a guy going about doing the horrible things seen in this film. But its important to note that this is not a documentary, its an adaptation of a book called ‘Zodiac’, written by the character portrayed in this by Jake Gyllenhaal, Robert Graysmith.Graysmith had been a cartoonist at the San Fransisco Chronicle, one of the newspapers in the city, which the Zodiac (Zodiac being the name the killer gave himself) sent letters and scraps of victims clothing to. Robert Downey Jr. plays the crime reporter for the same newspaper, Paul Avery - also a real life character.I read the book in high school over 15 years ago now, and from what I remember, it is biased and presses the blame towards one character in particular. The film follows the book and very much leads to the same conclusion. Although - and a spoiler warning here - the identity of the Zodiac has never been solved. Therefore, we can’t pin the blame to the guy that Graysmith believed it was. Even though he wasn’t a good guy. He was a paedo.The film has an absolutely fantastic cast. Gyllenhaal as the lead, Downey Jr. as the reporter. Mark Ruffalo plays the head detective, with Anthony Edwards playing his partner from the San Francisco Police Department. John Carroll Lynch plays Arthur Leigh Allen - the man Graysmith obsessively became convinced was behind the murders and elaborate cyphers being sent to the papers.Its not a thriller in the sense that you follow cops chase a killer who manages to stay one step ahead. The film follows Graysmith as he focuses more on the mystery over time and less on his family. It spans a long era - from the 1960’s right up to the early 1990’s.It’s a slow paced Neo-Noir, but isn’t boring at all. As previously mentioned, its not a documentary. Its a very stylistic film, with unflinching and not at all glamourised violence. It has an excellent soundtrack and I find myself watching it every few years. A fantastic film that I can only recommend.

Recipes

• Croque Monsieur
• Fried Rice
• Tomato Sauce

Croque Monsieur

Ingredients

2 slices of bread - toasted
A roux -
5g Butter
5g Flour
75ml milk
1/8 tsp ground nutmeg
1/8 tsp mustard powder
1/8 black pepper
1/8 tsp salt
Cheddar - 40g
Gouda - 30g
As much ham as you want

Method

Oven or air fryer on. Get that heated up. 180 degreesToast the bread. Let it cool.Make the rouxIts very easy. Get a sauce pan and put it at a low heat. Low/medium. Drop in the butter and let it melt. Once its melted, but ideally before it turns a little bit brown, add in the flour and whisk. Let the flour cook until the smell of flour disappears. Whisk it often. Keep it moving and don’t let it fry against the bottom of the pan. It wont take more than 5 minutes. It takes practise but you’ll learn to know how its meant to look.Once the flour is cooked properly, add about a 3rd of the milk. It will sizzle and bubble, but whisky quickly. Mix the milk into the flour/butter ball. It will come together and make a playdoh type substance. Add more milk. Whisk. Incorporate that too. Add the remainder milk and whisk it together. It will come together and make a creamy sauce. If you were making macaroni cheese, you could add cheese to this. But you’re not. So don’t. Just add the salt, pepper, nutmeg and mustard. Whisk it together and take it off the heat. It will thicken but let it.Take your cheese and grate it all. Mix together the two types. You don’t have to have two, I just enjoy it. Even though its not French, I find that the Gouda is a good’a cheese to add. Thank you. But if you like cheddar, and don’t want any other, then just had cheddar and don’t have any other. Simple as that.Once its grated and mixed together take your toast. Butter both bits of toast and pick your bottom piece of toast.Layer ham on the bottom bit. As much as you want, but not too much. Add 90% of the cheese to the top of the ham, and put the other bit of toast on top. You’ve made a cheese and ham toastie. But its not over yet. Transfer the toastie to the air fryer or the oven tray. Pour the roux from the saucepan over the top (if its thickened a little bit then thats ideal. It stops it immediately pouring out over the sides) and sprinkle the last 10% of cheese on top of that.Put it in the oven / air fryer for about 10 minutes. The cheese on the top melts against the roux. The roux darkens. The cheese inside melts. It all comes together nicely.When cooked, remove from the heat. Be cautions. Hot cheese isn’t to be messed with.Bone apple tea.

Comments

I have always been familiar with a toastie. They’re a tasty treat. But I’d never tried a pimped out toastie until I was on holiday in the little city of Bruges (in Belgium) in early 2024. That was where I first tried a Croque Monsieur.I’ve made it 3 times since I’ve been home, and I’ve only been home just over a month.I use the air fryer now. The first time I did use the oven, but you have to consider the price of things. Its meant to be an easy lunch - not a lunch that makes your wallet weep.Its a fancy toastie. So don’t feel constrained to the recipe. This is the absolute basic, stripped back version. Add what you want. Fried mushrooms? Go for it. Spicy chutney? You’re the boss.

Fried Rice

Ingredients
(for one person)

Half a cup of raw white rice
1 chicken breast
1/2 an onion
As many frozen peas as you want. A table spoon is good. Or a Güd glass potful.
1 egg
Dark soy sauce - 1/2 a tablespoon
Light soy sauce - 1 tablespoon
Salt
MSG
Vegetable oil

Method

(Yo, use a wok)Hello.This is the recipe for fried rice. It is disgracefully easy. But the secret is… MSG. You don’t have to use it but it wont taste as good. I get it on Amazon.co.uk. It’s a flavour enhancer. Truly makes the difference.A big step is also to start the night before. Cook the white rice and let it cool then put it in the fridge. It dries it out. You need the rice D R Y.Prep all your ingredients and get them within reach. Once the train leaves the station, is is moving. Fast and intense.Lets say for instance that you’re making a basic chicken fried rice.You’re going to need your chicken, rice, eggs, onion, and peas prepared. You’ll need soy sauce. Both kinds. Light and dark. And salt. And MSG. I think that’s everything.The rice is cooked, cooled and waiting in the fridge eagerly. Leave it there for now.The chicken. Breast or thigh (it doesn’t matter, but thigh is better) needs to be poached. Poach it in water with a little bit of salt. When it’s cooked let it cool and chop it into bitesized bits. You can actually chop it when its still hot (if your fingers can handle it) and it cools pretty fast. Let it rest on some kitchen roll to absorb the moisture.The egg - beat it thoroughly. Beat the shit out of it. Smooth as can be. Then add a decent pinch of salt and an even decent-er pinch of MSG. It will go watery, but don’t worry.The onion needs to be finely diced. Get those pieces small. Smaller than the rice.The peas - petit pois - frozen. Just pour them into a cup or a bowl or a shoe or something.Right, now we get the rice. Add the dark soy sauce and mix it well. Every grain coated.Put the wok on the cooker and set the hob to the highest heat it goes. Pour in the vegetable oil - not olive or coconut or beef dripping. Vegetable oil - and swirl it around to cover the wok. Put in a decent amount of oil, but not too much. You don’t want to be shallow or deep frying the food.Ready? It’s about to kick off. Grab your spoon or ladle.Add the egg. It’ll flumph up. Let them. Then stir. They’ll turn into a fluffy scramble. Stir stir stir.Make a gap in the eggs to present the bottom of the wok. Add the onions. Stir stir stir. Add a 1/4 tsp of salt and 1/2 tsp of MSG. Keep stirring.Make a gap again. Add the chicken. Stir stir stir. Add salt and MSG again. Same amounts as before. 1/4 tsp salt and 1/2 tsp MSG. Stir. Don’t stop.Okay. Pour in the rice. Stir. Are you still stirring? You’re not stirring enough. Mix that rice. You dont want it to stop. Keep it moving. Add a 1/2 tsp of salt and a whole (yeah, whole) tsp of MSG. Stir. Keep stirring. Shoogle the pan. Mix it up. Go, you glorious son of a bitch. Does your arm hurt? No? Then you’re not moving that rice enough. Okay, you’re done… is a lie I just told you. Keep stirring.Add about a table spoons worth of light soy sauce around the edge of the wok. You’ll hear it hit the bottom and hiss. Stir the contents. Mix it up. You’ve got this.Add the peas. They’ll defrost. Mix them through.Keep stirring until the peas are defrosted.Enjoy

Comments

I love Chinese food (well, the UK takeaway version. I've never been to China). This is such an easy recipe to make and once you see how simple it is, you'll be making it yourself at least once a month.
You can add basically anything you want to it. Just add it at the appropriate time.
You want prawns? Add them when you would add chicken.
You want peppers? Add them when you would add the onions.If you want to add mushrooms, I would recommend cooking them first in a separate pan because they can make the other ingredients go grey, and they have so much moisture in them you'll never get them cooked properly.Supermarkets sell big bags of prawn crackers. They go excellently with this meal.
Speaking of which, it doesnt have to be a meal. Making just egg fried rice can go as a fantastic side dish to a curry. You're in charge. Add what you want or omit what you want. But I cant stress how good the MSG makes this meal. Its not cheating. Its just enhancing the flavour. But do what you want. You're the boss.

Tomato Sauce (for Italian Dishes)

Ingredients

2 onions (diced)
1 carrot (diced)
6 leaves fresh basil (chopped as finely as possible)
6 cloves of garlic (reduced to atoms - also chopped as finely as possible)
4 sausages - your choice (I used Italian spiced pork sausages)
65g chopped smoked pancetta
2x 400g cans of chopped tomatoes
1 vegetable stock cube
1 meat stock cube (same type as the sausages)
3 tablespoons of olive oil.
Dessert spoon of tomato puree
400g punnet of mushrooms (thickly sliced)

Method

Use a big pan. A properly heavy duty son of a gun. Something with a lid. Any big pan will do but a heavy bottom one feels right.
Get that guy on the cooker and turn the heat to medium. Before it heats up, go ahead and get your olive oil in there. Let it heat up.If the oil has heated, go and add your sausages. You're going to want to cook them till they're dark on the side. Not burned though. Just properly cooked. It's a balance you're going to have to learn, and learn through experience. Try your best.The sausages I used, they’re from a shop in Edinburgh called Valvona and Crolla and they are a treat (V&C Paesano Sausages - Piccante). When they're completely cooked on all sides, remove them from the pan and put them on a little side plate.There should now be a mixture of olive oil and sausage fat in the pan. Add the smoked pancetta and move it around so it doesn't stick to the bottom of the pan.Once the pancetta looks to be cooked, pour in the onions, garlic, carrot, and chopped basil. It's going to smell amazing, but stir it around and get everything covered in that pan juice. You're gonna need to let that cook for around 5 minutes so that the onions go a bit translucent, and the oil gets absorbed a bit. Don't be tempted to turn that heat up though, you cheeky monkey. No rushing here. Burnt garlic isn't nice. It's nasty. If you burn the garlic; you'll ruin your meal, your day, not quite your life, but possibly Christmas. Keep it low and slow.Add the dessert spoons amount of tomato puree. I never actually measure it, I just squeeze a decent amount into the pan and if it looks to be enough, then it's enough. You be the judge. Mix the tomato puree through so that everything is a decent red. I'm not saying it should look like the floor of an ambulance after something bad, but it shouldn't be a gentle pink either. Red. Stir that around and let it cook for a minute.Add your stock cubes.
Add a veg stock cube, because of all the veg involved.
Add a... meat stock cube. To match the sausage meat. The sausages I used were pork, so I added a pork stock cube. If you were using beef sausages... then go ahead and use a beef stock cube. If you don't want meat in the sauce, then do not use meat. Add two veg stock cubes. This is your meal. You are in charge.Once the stock cubes are added, crush them down and stir. Keep mixing them around until you cant see any trace of them. No proof that they were ever there. You're doing good. Nearly there.Remember the cans of chopped tomatoes? Pour them in. Both of them. Done that? Nice. Now fill them with water. Pour that in too. Or, if you don't want to refill the cans, fill a jug with 800ml of water and pour that in. Mix everything around nice and turn the heat up to high.
Add the sausages back in, and the raw sliced mushroom.
It will start to bubble (since you turned the heat up). When it does that - turn the heat down to low. You want this to simmer. The mushrooms will cook and it's going to taste nice. Going to taste lovely. Going to possibly be the best homemade sauce you've ever had.Cover the pan with half of the lid and leave it to simmer. Return every so often to stir and scrape up what's on the bottom of the pan, but let it do its thing. The onions are going to break down (sometimes they cry too), the carrots will soften, the smells are going to be incredible. But be patient.After about 5 hours (yeah, it's a slow process), come on back in and remove the sausages. Cut them into whatever size of sausage bits you like. You could dice it or slice it. Leave it whole? I don't know. I'll be honest. I don't give a fuck what you do with the sausage. Cut it into long ribbons if you want. It's up to you.And there you have it. Go ahead and have with pasta. Or in a lasagna. Or... serve over ice cream. Pour it on your bedroom floor. It's your sauce and you can do what you want.I hope you enjoy.

Comments

I do not claim that this is an authentic italian sauce. I do not even claim that it is Italian. I made it in my flat in the Highlands of Scotland with ingredients I purchased nearby. The pasta I ate it with says Italian on the packet, and the sausages I cooked into it were Italian style from a family operated store who have Italian heritage…so some of the meal has connections to Italy. Do with that information what you wish and carry on living your life.The pancetta I used when cooking was from Tesco. They sell it in little plastic tubs. You could go to a deli and get better stuff, but I find that the Tesco stuff works fine. And they're not even paying me to say that. Aldi sells it too (that seems fair).You may have noticed that I didnt add any salt or pepper at any point. Well noticed. Gold star for you. The pancetta and sausages are salty enough, so I've never felt the need to add more. Also, I just add freshly cracked black pepper at the end when its on the plate with pasta.This recipe does not require meat. That can easily be omitted.